Every now and then-usually when you least expect it, something magnificent happens that changes the world forever. That magnificent something happened today for me, though I imagine it actually happened a few months ago or maybe even longer out in the real world.
A few years ago the surf apparel makers began experimenting with a stretchy material for the board-shorts. If you don't already know what board shorts are then you might as well stop reading because this miracle exists in an alternate universe and vibrates at a frequency that is useless for the conventional "productive" human. An unproductive fella like myself rarely wears anything but board-shorts, or as the Aussies call them "boardies." In an of itself the board short was revolutionary and brought real style to the world of sun-seekers. The problem with the conventional board shorts and pretty much all clothes is that they can be restrictive and it is easy to rip them and possibly expose a testicle or worse. Every time I get on my bike I worry that the crotch material won't be able to handle the initial stretch as I throw my leg over. But that all changed with the 'Super Freak' boardies made by O'Neal, they are just about in destructible. They stretch a little and are made from a heavy duty material. They are the Carharts of the boardie world. The problem with the Super Freak is that the heavy duty material absorbs a lot of water and they stay wet all day long if you are in and out of the sea as often as I am. The ocean funk is sure to putridize the water logged shorts after extended use.
A couple years later some super light weight nearly indestructible material from outer space was brought to earth and reproduced using stem cell technology. The material was super thin, yet ultra durable and light as a feather. Some fantastic human working for the surf company 'Hurley' managed to get the alien technology and make the first set of life changing super-stretch board shorts on earth. No more long hours spent with wet chaffing balls-these things were dry in a few minutes, no more blown out seams and restricted movement. The amazing technology changed my life and I am sure every other Dive Master/surfers' life as well. The new space age boardies were incredible but as always style changes and is decided by the younger crowd, those of us that were old enough to truly appreciate the advancement were stuck wearing bright pink and purple shorts that look like a 1980's life vest. The rare earth-tone super stretch boardies (in a normal size) were snatched up as soon as they hit the shelf. And for someone like me who travels the world all the time, it was nearly impossible to get to the rack before the hoards, so I was stuck looking like a decal off a 1990 jet-ski.
I have few clothes and what I do have I rarely wear, so the one pair of super-stretch boardies I own get rode hard. I have looked everywhere in the Philippines for those little jewels and all I found was the rough.....Until today. Finding the magnificent boardies was not the only miracle-though that alone would have made my month. The greatest part of the find was something new and as far as I know a very new idea. These new amazing boardies made by Hurley are made from the same alien technology but they didn't stop there. They used this material to make board shorts that don't look like board shorts. These new shorts are just regular looking shorts like Dockers slack-shorts or plaid canvas shorts and no doubt many more normal shorts designs. They even have freakin beltloops-are you flippin' kiding me!!!! No, I shit you not, beltloops. I swear that unless you touch these shorts you would never guess they were anything but what they appear. If I didn't think that religion was complete bullshit propagated by ignorant-yet good (usually) people, I would even wear them to church every Sunday to learn about the stone age middle-eastern war-mongers incoherent ramblings and maybe even be complemented on being so appropriately dressed. Though my tattoos would probably ruin the whole deal, but you get the point. Now I look like a mature beach bum-which I actually believe I am. I don't think boardies that look like they were designed in the early 90's by Vanilla-Ice really represent my inner-self.
I salute you Hurley and the brilliant man who came up with this idea. The Hurley 'Phantom' line of boardies are-in my opinion the second greatest invention of all time, after the taser gun of course. So now if you see a mature-refined looking gentleman on the beach with a large scar and many large tatoos with a taser gun sticking out the back of the semi-formal looking shorts he has on say hi, maybe its me. Or depending on what universe this blog reaches it could be my doppelganger-in which case you need to kill him so I can have his power like Jet Li. Thanks
No comments:
Post a Comment